So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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