I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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