God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
