In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
