you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
