My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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