He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
