i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
