My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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