omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
