all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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