I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
