fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
