I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
