Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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