He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A bitchslap is in order.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
