You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
