woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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