How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
