I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
