I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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