He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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