seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize