I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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