"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
