dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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