Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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