When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
