my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
