I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
