i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
