so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
