I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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