I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just found a bag of teeth...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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