don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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