I just cut my nipple shaving
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
