Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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