his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I believe in your delicious
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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