Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
