Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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