Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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