every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
they're like a gay fantastic four
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
