In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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