I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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