I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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