I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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