I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have aggressive nipples.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
