he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
