Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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