I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize