Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
