Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
cat food counts as protein by the way
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
