she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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