At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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