so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
