I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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