My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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