I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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