wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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