My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
