I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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