Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
