that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
