I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
