he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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