he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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